-Bruce Kogan
Originally written in 2004, before the re-election of George W. Bush
When George W. Bush weighed in on this issue with the majesty of Theodore Roosevelt's "bully pulpit" to say he would back a constitutional amendment restricting marriage to couples of the opposite sex, my worst fears were confirmed.
I was greatful for that decision, maybe so many of my dear friends could get the force of law behind their relationships. Yet, I wish the Massachusetts decision had been rendered a year later... after the presidentiol election... time enough to educate the public on the issue, to not have it poison the atmosphere of what promises to be the most savage presidential election in my lifetime. But we don't choose the pace of progress and the issue is here and now and we have to deal with it.
Two very dear friends of mine, back from when I lived in New York City, are uppermost in my thoughts whenever the same sex marriage issue is talked about. A skinny, introspective young man from my native Brooklyn named Paul Pastorella and a rollicking, life of the party, former dancer-turned make-up artist named Kim Sherwood. They are both gone now, but they remain as alive to me now as they were when I first met them in the 1980's.
Paul was a native Brooklynite like myself. He told me that he had discovered his sexual orientation in his teenage years and spent a lot of time in forbidden places taking in the pleasures thereof. He joined the army in the early 1980's and after his basic training was posted to the Presidio in San Francisco. I suppose if you're gay that's the best place to be sent. It was there that he met his partner for life.
Kim Sherwood Home, (he dropped the last name and was known to one and all as Kim Sherwood), was born in Nevada to Morman parents. He also discovered his sexual orientation early on and that estranged him from his family. He went off to Las Vegas and became a dancer and made a good living at that, dancing with some of Vegas's top acts on the strip. I remember him telling me that he worked the most with Gordon MacRae. At some point he sustained a broken leg and had to give up dance.
It bothered him, but Kim was a plucky and resourceful person. He became a make-up artist and was doing that when I met them.
Kim drifted off to San Francisco and there he met Paul.Paul told me that it was love at first site. I suppose they were living proof that opposites do attract.
Kim moved on the military base at the Presidio and they lived like any other married couple.
That was a dangerous thing to do back then. You didn't have anything as even relatively benign as "Don't ask, don't tell" back then. It was "search and eliminate" back then in the Armed Sevices. At any point in time somone with a grudge against him or some homophobic investigator on the prowl could have found them out and Paul would have been dishonorably discahrged. One of the reasons, Paul suspected, was that a lot of the base personnel were gay themselves, including some in higher ranks.
So everyone just said nothing and did their jobs, apparently with no threat to our national security..
After his discarge from the Army in the mid80's, Paul and Kim moved east to New York City.
At some point Kim was diagnosed with the AIDs virus. Still his health wasn't immediately affected and the nature of his profession as a make-up artist allowed him to continue working. He gradually did more and more work off the books because that allowed him to get Medicaid. Paul worked at a lot of jobs, some had medical coverage, some didn't. Had they been able to get married, Kim would have been a dependent on Paul's policy and would have been eligable for COBRA if Paul happened to be between jobs.
I met Paul at a crisis point in his life. On May 25, 1987, in the wee small hours of the morning, Paul was suffering an attack of insomnia. Unable to sleep he got up and went for a walk. Kim and Paul were living in the Bay Ridge section of Brooklyn at the time, back to Paul's roots so to speak.
Bay Ridge was the section of Brooklyn Paul was from. It's the area around the Verrazano Bridge and if you watch Saturday Night Fever you can see the neighborhood well photographed in the John Travolta classic.
You might remember at the very beginning of that film, you see Travolta and his friends harass a gay male couple. Bay Ridge's politics are pretty right wing, it's the only area that elects Republicans to office in Brooklyn.
Unfortunately, when Paul went out for his walk, he ran into a group of Travolta-like thugs. One of them thought Paul gave him the wrong look. A few homophobic epithets followed and Paul was stabbed by one of them in the abdomen.
By some miracle someone witnessed the attack from a distance and called 911. Had he not gotten to Lutheran Hospital in time, Paul Pastorella probably would have died, then and there.
After a few days the case did get the attention of New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project and that's where I come into the story. I was working for the New York State Crime Victims Board in my eighth year there as its only openly gay employee. Paul needed to get a claim done for whatever benefits my agency could offer. I remember going out on a Sunday to visit Lutheran Hospital and seeing this skinny young man with all kinds of tubes going into him. He had passed the critical stage and was in recovery at the time. I remember him saying he couldn't believe anyone would come to visit him on a Sunday, on the job, on his own time and a perfect stranger besides.
I met some of Paul's family then. His sisters were there and very supportive of their brother. And I met Kim for the first time. Of course, not being married he would have had no legal standing to make any critical decisions if they were needed at Lutheran Hospital. Fortunately, nothing like that arose.
The Anti-Violence Project had a hell of a time getting this case declared a bias (hate) crime. The original police report indicated no bias. After a lot of meetings with the AVP the Bias Crime Unit of NYPD took the case, about a week and a half after the attack. It took considerable lobbying by David Wertheimer, who was the Executive Director of the AVP at the time, to get the case transferred to the Bias Unit from the squad in the 68th Precinct. The officers of the Bias Unit had Paul riding around in unmarked cars in Bay Ridge for about three months, but he never recognized anyone and the case closed unsolved.
The case radicalized Paul and Kim for that matter insofar as GLBT issues were concerned. No one in New York City wanted to see a GLBT inclusive Hate Crimes law passed more than Paul Pastorella.
He lobbied vigorously for that legislation, he helped out as a volunteer at the Anti-Violence Project. When I met him in the hospital, Paul was working as a travel agent. He changed jobs some four or five months after I met him and started working at Greenwich Settlement House as a secretary/bookkeeper and used his position there to advocate for victims in general and GLBT victims in particular. At one time one of the higher-ups at the Crime Victims Board contacted me about getting a victim willing to do an interview with the BBC who were shooting a series on street crime in America. My first choice was Paul Pastorella and he did it, of course, with his partner.
David Wertheimer got to know both of them as well as I did. Now living in Seattle, he's a CSW with a clinical practice. He's married to his partner and an activist in the Pacific Northwest for the same-sex marriage movement.
"The statistics associated with the disintegration of couples in the wake of a devastating physical assault are sobering; the stresses associated with an attack result in may instances in the dissolution of what had been stable relationships. This is particularly the case for relationsips that have not been formally recognized by the state, family and church. Married couples have an advantage that unmarried couples often lack: A set of intitutionalized and structured supports that help a couple through the bad times that are inevitable in any relationship," said Wertheimer.
"That Paul and Kim weathered this particular storm of violence sweeping into their world - and the storms that followed their lives - is a tribute to the strength of their relationship. It is unfortunate that this relationship was never officially recognized by the state. Such recognition would have afforded them - as so may other same sex couples that face similar crises - one more source of equilibrium and stability in the face of challenging life experiences."
Paul and Kim also decided to share their lives in the making of a training film for the NYPD. The film was made under the auspices of the GLBT Police Council which is a group of us folk, some of us in the law enforcement/victim advocacy profession, who met monthly with the police brass to develop a better relationship with the community. I was on the council myself for several years and Paul and Kim were among several of my clainants who shared their lives and life experiences for the film.
The council was led at that time by Lee Hudson who was Mayor Ed Koch's GLBT liason. With her help and support the training film about the community was produced for viewing by police academy cadets for sensitivity training.
She remembers Paul and Kim well.
"That film made the rounds considerably," said Lee Hudson, "it has been shown at various police conferences nationally and even internationally. Paul deserved a lot of credit for sharing his story with the workl and his partner deserves credit for supporting him."
Paul was always willing and eager to talk to and help other victims of crime. I had a claim of a man run down on the sidewalk of Sixth Avenue and West 12th Street back in 1987. Scott Barton lived in Greenwich Village and was an aspiring actor. He suffered multiple injuries that were life threatening, the most serious of which was the loss of his right leg. Paul came up one day with me to Scott's apartment in his capacity of working at Greenwich House to see if there were any programs he could steer him into.
There weren't, but Paul became good friends with Scott.
"Paul and Kim were singularly devoted to each other," said Scott. "I met Kim shortly after my first meeting with Paul. They had moved to Greenwich Village. I remember going to their apartment many times, it had a marvelous view of the Hudson. They entertained and always in taste and style."
I've talked a lot about Paul who, in fact, was my claimant. But Kim deserves a word or two. No one could liven up any occasion quite like Kim Sherwood. He was the life of any party he ever went to.
As Scott said, he did entertain with style, he was an excellent cook and an fabulous host. If any occasion dragged, he could jump start any conversation. He was resolute and cheerful and by the time these events were occouring he was becoming AIDs symptomatic.
Kim was totally estranged from his family. He mentioned to me that on his family tree was a Vice President of the Untied States, one Garret Augustus Hobart, who was William McKinley's first Vice President. Along the way some ancestor of Kim's converted to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. That's an institution with some singularly bad homophobia. Probably, if the Lawrence case had not overturned sodomy laws, Utah would have been the last state to repeal them.
Going out with them was a treat. I remember like it was yesterday, going with them, Scott Barton and Daniel Strausbaugh, who I was going out with at the time, over to a smoky piano bar on West 14th Street. It was in 1989 and it was a clelebration of my 42nd birthday.
The drag queen host of the occasoin decided to play 'Name That Tune'. Three of us were chosen from the audience, including yours truly. I guess I had the best cheering section there because as they were playing Porter and Gershwin, et al songs, I was rattling the names off like lightening in one and two notes. First prize was a free bar tab and we used it in grand style. It was a great occasion.
The next to last time I saw Kim and Paul together was at their apartment in early 1991. Another friend, Ivor Holland, was over from Great Britian and Paul and Kim had the group of us over. Kim was sitll working at the make-up trade, but Paul confided to me that this was becoming less and less and soon he felt Kim would be strictly on disability. With one thing and another, I didn't see either of them for four or five months after that.
In mid-August of 1991 I got a call from Paul at my office. Kim was in St. Vincent's Hospital and the outlook wasn't good. Danny and I went over there and it was a shock. Kim was a little over six feet tall and well proportioned. All I saw was a large head, peering out from covers where you could see the shrunken outline of a body. His cheekbones were hollow and having seen enough claimants and friends with AIDs in the 1980's, for me, that always meant that time was drawing near.
A week later Kim died. Paul called me. I could hear the strain in his voice. He had probably cried all his tears out before he spoke to me. He had no idea what to do in taking care of the burial. I called some friends who recommended a funeral home. Redden's on West 14th Street which was GLBT friendly and reasonable.
I went to Kim's wake. A lot of us who know both of them went there. Paul had never been in touch with any of Kim's family, he didn't know how to reach any of them. He did get to bury his partner only because the family was not on the scene. Had they been married there would have been no doubt of his legal rights. But if a third cousin, twice removed, had shown up and claimed the body, Paul would have been frozen out.
Paul left town shortly after that. He moved to Florida and by now he was showing symptoms of what had killed his partner. In March of 1993 I got a call from him. Paul said he felt his time was growing near and he wanted to talk to a few people he felt close to. It was more than the disease that was killing him. He missed Kim so much, he felt he was just marking time now.
The following month Paul died. I got a call from his sister who he was staying with and she asked me if I could bring any of his gay friends to the service which was going to be at a large Catholic Church in Bay Ridge on April 25, 1993. That would have been impossible because the day she picked was the day of the March on Washington, but as it turned out, I wasn't going and neither was Scott Barton. We met and sat through the service which talked all about Paul and his life, but there was no mention of the one who was most important in it.... Kim.
Scott and I went to the reception afterwards and people were polite and friendly, but again, no mention of Kim whatsoever. Both Scott and I felt uncomfortable and we left. I haven't talked to any member of Paul's family since.
I've told this to dozens of people. GLBT folks are outraged and I certainly am no exception. But I think in their own way the Pastorella family, or, at least some members of it, felt they were acknowledging Paul's sexuality by inviting us period. In any event, if a lot of people who might have been there, but for the fact they were marching in Washington, I think the family would have heard something from people who are a lot more blunt than me.
Paul and Kim's lives were practically a history of the community and, if they were alive today, they would have been the first in line to officially register their relationship with whatever governmental authority would perform the ceremony. They would be claiming the 1,800+ rights and responsibilities that marriage would confer on them. Some of the indignities heaped upon them in their lives would never have happened.
The war against us has started and we did win the first battle in the U.S. Senate when the Republicans could not muster a majority to invoke a cutoff on debate of the White House backed constitutional amendment defining marriage for heterosexuals only. Alan VanCapelle, the Executive Director of the Empire State Pride Agenda, who's organization researched and defined those rights and responsibilities of marriage that I previously mentioned said, "Despite the best efforts of the Administration to use our relationships and our familites to divide America during an election year and use the U. S. Constitution as a political bumper sticker for its cause, the discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendment failed miserably."
It's a good victory, but other battles are coming up, and fast. Thirty-nine of 50 states, in addition to the Federal Government, have passed Defense of Marriage Acts, freezing our relationships out of the civil law of those jurisdictions. Only 14 states including New York State have passed non-discrimination acts against gay people and some of those, New York among them, are not trangender inclusive.
Realizing that if a Federal Marriage Amendment makes it out of Congress with two thirds of both houses boting for it, we haven't that much friendly battleground out there. It will be on the enemy turf that legislative battles will be waged.
Finally, we have another insidious situation to deal with. The House of Representatives is trying a more subtle approach. They want to deprive the Supreme Court of appellate jurisdiction in marriage cases. A simple majority could pass that in the House and if the Senater passes it also, GLBT people would have no remedy in the federal judiciary.
For Paul and Kim and som many others all this has come too late. And as I stated in the beginning, it may have come a year to early. No doubt, things would have been easier if a presidential election (the election of 2004) wasn't caught up in all of this, but the issue is joined and we have to win this thing.
As for me, every letter I write, every check I send out, every foot I march in getting marriage equality for my GLBT brethern will be done in honor of my two dear friends in heaven, Paul Pastorella and Kim Sherwood. Anyone who fights to extend basic human rights to anyone is always on the right sid of history.
To Paul and Kim.... let's roll.